Bipolar depression.

Living with comorbid mental illnesses is very tough. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. In today’s world, it has become the reality for so many people. In another post, I will share a more detailed, in depth narrative over Bipolar Disorder. For now, let me address one facet.

One of my challenges involves bipolar depression. It affects 6 million people in the US. Being a deeper, more intense version than Major Depressive Disorder, which affects about 16 million. I’ve known people in the community that couldn’t shower, buy groceries or do laundry. Personally, I can sleep for 14 hours and still wake up crying, my body aching from distressing dreams. I have little to no appetite, which makes eating a chore and sometimes tasteless. I can’t answer texts or calls because all I can say to anyone is that I am so down and out, but I still love and care about them, even if it doesn’t always manifest the way I intend it to. Before words can even be spoken, my mind is a whirlwind of inner judgements and cyclical analyzation which ultimately sews my mouth shut.

Communication is key for healthy relationships. Sometimes though, all I can think about is how much emotional pain I feel, which makes me feel so weighed down. Trudging through a proverbial mud sludge, the downswing can hit me so hard that I fall to the ground, clutching my chest because I want to rip my own heart out. I can hardly breathe, it’s exhausting. Simultaneously, I ruminate over my shame, guilt and regrets accumulated thus far.

Any person living with mental health issues often bears an unseen struggle. Their own obstacles are just as valid as anyone else’s, no matter how extreme or mild. Although mental health is highly correlated with physical health, the majority of people won’t recognize that someone is mentally sick as obviously as another person who is physically sick with asthma, diabetes, or COPD. I can’t walk around with a BPD spectrum bracelet on.

Honestly though, I can see a market for that in the future. Business Insider just published an article recently, showcasing a study that projects the Millennial generation are more likely to die sooner in life compared to previous generations — based on the high precedence of homicidal, suicidal and overdose related deaths. We may not outlive our parents because we’ve become the working poor, without health insurance and under crippling debt. Judged by society because we use our love for avocados, bud, coffee and pressed juices as little overpriced pockets of joy and life satisfaction amongst an otherwise dismal and bleak environment.

What is life anyways, if you’re not looking forward to and pushing for that next upswing?