Being in love when you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I tend to fall in love pretty easily. I say that in the sense of “falling hard” for a person, animal or object. But being in love, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. That security in knowing that you’re not alone in this world.

That’s a big part of Borderline Personality Disorder. Not feeling unloved or rejected. Not being abandoned by someone you love and trust so much. Family, friends, lovers… I really don’t want to push people away by forcing them onto my emotional rollercoaster, it just feels inevitable because I am super glued to the f*cking handlebar.

Certain people are attracted to people like me. Those toxic kind of people. Someone who sees an opportunity to use and abuse, not love you.

My first love was a habitual liar. He had convinced his family that he suffered from sudden, piercing headaches, always hitting him when attention was being paid elsewhere. In an attempt to get me back after I ended it, he lied about having brain cancer. My second love — just gonna be straightforward about it — was with a man who was secretly a pedophile. I only found this out after 3 years together, most of which was filled with psychological and emotional abuse. I was broken. I hate to admit that I didn’t leave right away. To be clear, I didn’t condone it. It ate away at me every day after I found it on his laptop. It consumed my every thought. I didn’t know how to leave because I was only a shell of a person at that point.. but that’s a very deep story, of which this post is not about..

My third love. Real love. That’s where I am now. With a man who has suffered physically and emotionally, just like me. One who makes the same resolve when it comes to love and partnership with another human being on this Earth.

Commitment.

In an earlier blog post, I write about the depth of my commitment to other things. It’s no different here. I’d like to think that my loyalty (as typical for being a Scorpio) is one of my best traits. If we have that connection, I’m your PIC for life. Ride or die, baby!

Obviously though, that can be very self-destructive. Sometimes my loyalty can keep me in a situation where I’m being taken advantage of (poor bosses and bad jobs) or when something is unhealthy, like those toxic relationships.

On another side of this die; things can be going fairly well and I will still find strife with my inner voice.

Sabotage.

She whispers, “He doesn’t love you. He is just using you. He is lying to you. He doesn’t really love you. He thinks he does but if he did, he wouldn’t do xyz. Why doesn’t he care? He doesn’t care. Why are you still here? You don’t really matter to him. Leave. You can’t stay here. He doesn’t love you like you want to be loved. After all these years, he still makes the same mistakes. He doesn’t really care. He doesn’t love you.”

I’m constantly in a proverbial tug-o-war with my need for loyalty and devotion and running away like the wild spirit I am. Those thoughts are my psyche’s failsafe. I have been so mowed over in the past that subconsciously, I am always suspecting the same traits are in him too. Learned behavior that simply has to be unlearned.

Ultimately, my trust issues are with myself. I couldn’t be trusted to protect myself in the past, in a time of my life where I felt most put together. What am I supposed to do now?

Trust fully. Unconditionally, surrender to trust and faith in love. Love can heal a broken heart. Trust your partner that they have enough dignity and respect for you not to play games. Through thick and thin, they stay and love. Just like you stay and love them, despite their imperfections.

I make stupid mistakes out of impulse. I’ve acted out on this man, said and done the worst things I have ever thought I was capable of. And still, he doesn’t run. Even if we feel hatred, it always comes back to love. We both love challenges, and sometimes I feel like taming a wild animal is simply a part of the life path some people are on..

I don’t know if we’re meant to be together forever. I do know however, that my love is deeper than any ocean. Despite all of my anger and pain, it never runs dry for those who deserve it. No matter how little I could ever trust, I will never not love him.