Coming clean.

Brace yourselves…

I’m about to get real here.

I took a hiatus from writing because I have been trying to find the right medication combination to keep me healthy and feeling stable.

Ultimately — that meant that for the last 6 months, I’ve been different versions of myself.. none of which were healthy or stable.

The first one made me have insomnia which was paired with a heavy sleep containing stressful dreams, the second made me so anxious that even double dosing my anti-anxieties weren’t calming me down, and the third made my prolactin levels rise, which meant..

TMI WARNING

…my M*F* breasts were leaking. Yes, I freaked out. However, it is a common side effect to this particular medication.

When I disclosed this to my psychiatrist, she immediately responded with, “oh, we need to get you off of those”.

I’ve been on #4 for a couple of weeks now and so far it’s been going well. I feel calm a lot more often and my obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are starting to subside just a little (thank God).

I’ve tried at least 10 different medications and combinations thereof ever since I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in 2013.

All I can say, out of my own experiences so far, is that there are going to be times on your journey to wellness that you are not your true self.

There will be different versions of you and some of them can be really mean, dark and ugly. They will say and do things that further complicate your life, your health and maybe even your sanity.

THEY ARE NOT YOU.

You are on a long and winding path to find the best version of yourself. I believe that you can’t find success without failing multiple times, in any area of life. What’s important is that you acknowledge and learn from what you’ve been through, nurture yourself in the present and keep your eyes set on what’s to come.

Your best self is in there, even though you may look in the mirror and not see it yet.